from my journal:


You are a good Father. i know how much i love my children and how much i'm above them in understanding and ability and Our relationship is similar, but infinitely more in both directions: i am more infantile and You are more mature.

i feel like i've built lots of bad stuff, lots of ill-advised stuff, lots of foolish stuff on my faith. i feel i've built with a lot of hay and stubble that's going to burn. i hope i've built with a little silver and gold. and i feel i've lost perspective radically. so i just need to sit back and not do any building for a while. the last time i did this kind of 'retooling' was 10 years ago. i was even more misguided then, so i guess that's encouraging.

in a similar vein, You say 'come to me all you who are heavy laden and labor and i will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for i am gentle and humble of heart and You will find rest for your souls. for my burden is light, and my way is easy.'

it's easy by comparison. i should know. i go not-Your-way a lot. and it's hard. i don't get anything done. it's like oxen without a yoke - a lot of hard work and nothing gets done. you think plowing's hard? try it without a yoke. it's necessary.

Your way is easy by comparison. it's still hard work. but you also get some work done.

part of my problem is 'what do i trust in? how can i trust You when i don't know what to expect?'

well, the simple answer is true: that's right, i don't know what to expect. and Your ways are a lot higher above mine than mine are above my children's. i have to trust You, that You'll do what's best. it's simple to express, but hard to get. 'You're just plain hard to get.'

i'm sick to death of my cerebral 'faith'. 'the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.' 'show me your faith by what you believe and i'll show you my faith by what i do.'

maybe my spiritual disciplines need to be active - love and outreach and giving and stewardship. enough academic studying and intellectual journalling. now i could also use more emotional discipline.

another way to think of devotions/discipline is more of the practice/work out model. i work out to get stronger. it's not easy. but i'm building muscle. and i'm getting stronger. same thing with 'devotions'. i don't need to work my head anymore. it's strong enough. my head is big enough. i need to work my heart and my hands. i need to get more of the stuff in my head down into my heart.

another big deal is going to be - how do i pray? i need to pray, just differently.