Tuesday, February 27

edited from my personal journal this morning:

i've been feeling blase the past couple days about the demonstrably better place that i'm in. i don't feel proportionately better.

Bryan and i were talking about it this morning. i feel a little sorrow at the loss of things i'd been identifying myself with - things like being in a hurry - and therefore angry in the car - or even just a 'good' driver, dissipation, etc. now i'm in a much more settled place, a much more healthy place, but i feel a little sad. i feel like i'm losing some of myself. i feel like i'm losing some of the 'joi d'vivre'. my sadness and intuition seem to be telling me that i'm in the wrong place, but i'm not.

i realized in the car that i'm also more aware of my sin and fragility.

my flesh wants to go back to the familiar territory. but if i were to go back, it would be even less satisfying than before.

i'm moving in a direction where i won't enjoy certain things in the same way. on the other hand, i won't be a slave to them, either.

something else that will sustain me in this place of emotional uncertainty is a vision of the place up ahead. since it's undiscovered country, it won't be a map, it won't be pictures or memory. but i'll push forward, exploring, adventuring, seeking. it will often be uncomfortable. but it will be exhilirating. if i can lower my esteem for comfort, i can enjoy the ride more.
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