Since I can't get any John13 over at the Labs, I'll take it from 1142.net:

John was a horrible thing with the skin of a beautiful young girl. He lived beneath a pile of 4 year old computers, that were discarded as junk by a privilaged and ignorant populace. Hunted, and feared, John shunned the company of others, and only emerged from his cyber dam to drink from the watercooler and to eat the food abandoned in the company's mini fridge. Despite their hatered for him, john worked very hard behind the scenes to please the users, but his work was not appreciated. "This machine crashed twice today!" women would scream as the struck him with barbed poles. Bloodied, John would drag himself back to his dark hole. The next day, a server in a far away land died, and the users came to John's lair. They shook the walls, and cried "What have you done! This is all your fault!" John sat in the dark, his beautiful skin, torn and pasty from lack of sunlight. Once it was calm, he would fix everything, everyone would love him. They would talk about current events, and maybe even go out to lunch! It was then he noticed the green smoke pouring in, THEY WERE POISONING HIM! He tore madly at walls, but he was too late and there was no escape. He did manage to pull one machine loose, and the structure collased on top of him.

The next day, God was walking in the garden with his angels. "Go to earth" he commanded "and bring me the rarest thing you can find!" the angels obeyed, and they returned a few hours later with a Segway. "I meant the pure heart of John Thirteen, but this is pretty cool!" said God, who spent the next 45 minutes playing with his new toy before he stuck it in the corner where it was only pulled out every couple of months to show visitors.
THE END.